Deciduous Soul

by blurrybynature

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03:11
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released August 31, 2019

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Track Name: N.C.A.P. Blues
N.C.A.P. BLUES [ft. eyeshalfclosed]

I want more than this
I need more than this
What the fuck... I deserve more than this
Where did I go wrong?
***
225 on the pitch black tarmac
Eyes wander past the verge
The world's a blur, descending sideways through glass panes
I close my eyes just to see

There's a ghost in the trees
And it's calling for me

Headlights off; I'll let the moon decide
Is there a corner coming?
Cradle my life in your crescent light

Guess I'll live to last the night

I want more than this
I want more than this
I see them in their state of bliss
I want more than this
Will they find me in pieces,
Or will you help me find peace?
I need more than this to exist
I want more than this

225 on the pitch black tarmac
Eyes roll back, can't save me now
Even as day breaks, my pupils adjust
To the light, but it's the hole in my soul that dilates
One last breath just for old time's sake
...fuck's sake, I can't even catch that / / /

Why does this pain make me feel so real
When the joy that I find feels fleeting and false
No pulse
But these rhythms I make
And they're barely enough to get me through the day
No way out of this cave I've dug for myself
Or so they say

Head for higher ground
Way up high above the grey
Above the fog that loves to hide your way

[engine revving]
[seatbelt click]
[seatbelt warning beep]
///
Track Name: Deciduous Soul
DECIDUOUS SOUL

Embellish the bleak landscape of your perception
'Til it grows wild and strangles you
This garden of dreams is not the Eden you seem to see

Suffocate the noxious seed
With last season's dead leaves
I know it pains you, but the past serves
To nourish

Through this excruciating pain, you may flourish
If you'd only cease nurturing the virulent flora
To restore your garden faster
Problems remain insoluble with the same thinking they were borne of

Your authentic self must have its growth
Stunted at times, to solidify foundations
And this pain will mark just another season
For your deciduous soul
Deep roots feel not withering sun nor frost
No chill wind, nor calm warm day
But reach for richer earth

Find peace in decay, and
Tend lovingly to the soil...
Grow.

I will live to see another season.
Track Name: Glazing
GLAZING

"You harvest your own soul
And wonder why you feel so hollow..."

The glazing on the window's begun to peel
It lets the cold in, but it's sound that hurts the worst;
It lets the world in and grates on my tinnitus
'Cause don't you know it, I haven't slept yet
But somehow found the time not to eat yet either
Yeah, I'm talented, or so they say...
Those that don't know
The black that I paint each note grows
Like a money tree, from the seed of my soul
And I'm cashing in for nothing
But pain and self-loathing

Fuck.

"You harvest your own soul
And wonder why you feel so hollow..."

The glazing on the window's more damaged than not, now
But I can still see my curling, rippled, crippled reflection in it somehow
Every day it just gets worse
And I simply watch
Waiting for that fateful day when it's all but come off

So I can rip it, tear it, and throw it out
And in that moment, I'll call the window pane tamed
But not myself.
You see, wasting away is such a delicate game
You've got to stay, stained and sustained
And let every whim or chance of change
Fail to take, like paint to glass on a cold day

Oh, and I've tried that too
Painting a new skin;
Always looks promising at first
Then peels away from within
So just shut me in
Board this window up
"Wait... no, stop
You've got a family, remember?"

"You harvest your own soul
And wonder why you feel so hollow"

I cut myself into pieces
A spectacle for the seething masses
Through this filthy filter
Maybe I should just smash it out
Leave the glass mosaiced across the cool, dry ground
An empty frame
A fitting memoir;
Empty things always are so full of potential.
Track Name: Dew
DEW

The clocks grind to a bone rending halt
Dead, curled leaves cradle and caress the dew, no more
For is it dew if the sun has not yet risen
To lease its shimmer?

The auspice of an acousmatized sun
Drenching my vision
Timeless and blood red
As though decanted from veins supreme

Somewhere between black and blue,
I found you.

And the cold skeletal trees have come to terms
With their Autumnal wane
As the dew and I mourn luminescence
In the muted watercolour we've become.
Track Name: Stay With Me
STAY WITH ME

Mem'ries sully
Joy is fleeting
Reverie shatters
Life is not cruel.

Dreams fade
Nightmares stay with me, always.

Rest dances 'round my weary head
Singing deafening songs of torment
Their melodies resonate
And stay with me.

One day... today... these days,
More of this, I just cannot take
So I'm paving the back roads of my mind
'Til I find a better way

One stone at a time
But still I find

You stay with me always, love

No growth without pain
And this is killing me slowly,
Please tell me that this will all be over soon.

Life is not cruel.
Life is not cruel.
Life is not cruel.
Life is not cruel.
Life is not cruel.
Track Name: Something in Your Smile
SOMETHING IN YOUR SMILE

The Devil in me brings out the Goddess in you
But something in your smile tells me you're broken too
As calloused hands devour your soft skin,
Is this how we learn to feel again?

Fist through the wall, now she's crawling up it
Blood to boil, it's all or nothing
She stole the keys to my kingdom
But I brought the pain

Now I'll inflict it

Something in your smile
Is breaking down my walls
Be careful that you don't
Free what you can't take

These urges that we hide
Should never see the light
Romantic soul, and a violent heart
I bless the thorn in my side

So take these roses
And pray they don't grow
So take these roses
While I take my dose...
Track Name: Lust
LUST

I saw your reflection first
Tattoo on your left wrist
Sleeves rolled up, hair let down
Never saw your face
Never saw your face

So I never saw you frown

Such strange tidal waves
I fall madly in lust at least nine times a day.

I saw your reflection first
You were just fragments of light, rearranged in a way
Can you feel the photons twist and warp?
They're bending over backwards to caress your frame

I never saw your face
So I never saw you frown

Such strange tidal waves//
Track Name: Breathe, Naturally
BREATHE NATURALLY

I'm becoming scared to feel
Just in case I fall
Avoiding everything I love
Avoiding it like the plague
Lest it should take me under
Everything that resonates with me
Resonates to cacophony
A harmonic that brings down the strongest of structures
Drowning out all but the voice in my head
Telling me it's not okay

I had a dream last night
Except I was wide awake
I could feel my organs seethe and writhe
Under my crawling skin... I'm losing control

I'm trapped outside my bones
Terrified and tortured, I can't sleep
Six feet deep under my own bloodstream
This deafening cacophony in my head
Is trying to kill me

Breathe naturally
[DON'T FOCUS ON IT]
Relax in your skin prison
[DON'T FOCUS ON IT]
"Do something" - with less than no energy
[DON'T FOCUS ON IT]
"Go write a song" - but don't think about it

"It's all in your head"
...except it's transcended
To my lungs, and myocardium

Visceral misery.

Exist against the grain to survive
The positives are inharmonic.
Track Name: Marrow
MARROW

Turn, and face the sun
To forget the cold that turns you numb
Observe, as it falls
Falls beneath the horizon

Every cure that you would give me
Or I find for myself
Is only so, for so long
I'm the broken limb set to calcify
But this sickness lies in the marrow

Prescribe me my life back
And watch me swallow the sun
It's been so dark, for so long
This ideation feels just like hope

Burn in the sun
Remembering when you felt you could love

Prescribe me my life back
And watch me swallow the sun
It's been so dark, for so long
This ideation feels just like hope

Like hope,
Like Hell.

Cut me to the marrow.

Home doesn't look like what they told me
It's falling apart... I'm covered in blood...

Save me.
Track Name: Shimmer & Oxidize
SHIMMER AND OXIDIZE

Another one doesn't touch the sides
Or if it did, I'm not sure that I'd feel it
Cause I don't know if I can these days...
Is this what it feels like to go sane?

And I feel like both sides of the same coin
All at once

So cast me in your wishing well, and watch

As your dreams don't unfold
We both know why
And I know that I shimmer in your eyes
But deep inside,
You should know by now
That deep inside, I'm oxidizing, yeah...

Another one sets my teeth to grind
And I'm not even sure it's the dosage
Another one... it's just to purify...
Send me to heaven for 9 hours

Oh god - I've forgotten myself
Sold my soul to this vessel
Can I buy it back in small capsules?

To you, to me,
I've become nothing but shrapnel
So cast me in your wishing well, and watch

As your dreams don't unfold
We both know why
And I know that I shimmer in your eyes
But deep inside,
You should know by now
That deep inside, I'm oxidized

So watch
As your dreams fall apart
And I know that you know
There's no shimmer in my eyes
It's just a mirage
Look past the love
And I know you'll know
That deep inside, I'm oxidizing.
Track Name: And I May Live to Regret This, Too
AND I MAY LIVE TO REGRET THIS, TOO

And I may live to regret this, too.

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