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Deciduous Soul

by blurrybynature

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1.
N.C.A.P. BLUES [ft. eyeshalfclosed] I want more than this I need more than this What the fuck... I deserve more than this Where did I go wrong? *** 225 on the pitch black tarmac Eyes wander past the verge The world's a blur, descending sideways through glass panes I close my eyes just to see There's a ghost in the trees And it's calling for me Headlights off; I'll let the moon decide Is there a corner coming? Cradle my life in your crescent light Guess I'll live to last the night I want more than this I want more than this I see them in their state of bliss I want more than this Will they find me in pieces, Or will you help me find peace? I need more than this to exist I want more than this 225 on the pitch black tarmac Eyes roll back, can't save me now Even as day breaks, my pupils adjust To the light, but it's the hole in my soul that dilates One last breath just for old time's sake ...fuck's sake, I can't even catch that / / / Why does this pain make me feel so real When the joy that I find feels fleeting and false No pulse But these rhythms I make And they're barely enough to get me through the day No way out of this cave I've dug for myself Or so they say Head for higher ground Way up high above the grey Above the fog that loves to hide your way [engine revving] [seatbelt click] [seatbelt warning beep] ///
2.
DECIDUOUS SOUL Embellish the bleak landscape of your perception 'Til it grows wild and strangles you This garden of dreams is not the Eden you seem to see Suffocate the noxious seed With last season's dead leaves I know it pains you, but the past serves To nourish Through this excruciating pain, you may flourish If you'd only cease nurturing the virulent flora To restore your garden faster Problems remain insoluble with the same thinking they were borne of Your authentic self must have its growth Stunted at times, to solidify foundations And this pain will mark just another season For your deciduous soul Deep roots feel not withering sun nor frost No chill wind, nor calm warm day But reach for richer earth Find peace in decay, and Tend lovingly to the soil... Grow. I will live to see another season.
3.
Glazing 04:29
GLAZING "You harvest your own soul And wonder why you feel so hollow..." The glazing on the window's begun to peel It lets the cold in, but it's sound that hurts the worst; It lets the world in and grates on my tinnitus 'Cause don't you know it, I haven't slept yet But somehow found the time not to eat yet either Yeah, I'm talented, or so they say... Those that don't know The black that I paint each note grows Like a money tree, from the seed of my soul And I'm cashing in for nothing But pain and self-loathing Fuck. "You harvest your own soul And wonder why you feel so hollow..." The glazing on the window's more damaged than not, now But I can still see my curling, rippled, crippled reflection in it somehow Every day it just gets worse And I simply watch Waiting for that fateful day when it's all but come off So I can rip it, tear it, and throw it out And in that moment, I'll call the window pane tamed But not myself. You see, wasting away is such a delicate game You've got to stay, stained and sustained And let every whim or chance of change Fail to take, like paint to glass on a cold day Oh, and I've tried that too Painting a new skin; Always looks promising at first Then peels away from within So just shut me in Board this window up "Wait... no, stop You've got a family, remember?" "You harvest your own soul And wonder why you feel so hollow" I cut myself into pieces A spectacle for the seething masses Through this filthy filter Maybe I should just smash it out Leave the glass mosaiced across the cool, dry ground An empty frame A fitting memoir; Empty things always are so full of potential.
4.
Dew 04:05
DEW The clocks grind to a bone rending halt Dead, curled leaves cradle and caress the dew, no more For is it dew if the sun has not yet risen To lease its shimmer? The auspice of an acousmatized sun Drenching my vision Timeless and blood red As though decanted from veins supreme Somewhere between black and blue, I found you. And the cold skeletal trees have come to terms With their Autumnal wane As the dew and I mourn luminescence In the muted watercolour we've become.
5.
Stay With Me 03:59
STAY WITH ME Mem'ries sully Joy is fleeting Reverie shatters Life is not cruel. Dreams fade Nightmares stay with me, always. Rest dances 'round my weary head Singing deafening songs of torment Their melodies resonate And stay with me. One day... today... these days, More of this, I just cannot take So I'm paving the back roads of my mind 'Til I find a better way One stone at a time But still I find You stay with me always, love No growth without pain And this is killing me slowly, Please tell me that this will all be over soon. Life is not cruel. Life is not cruel. Life is not cruel. Life is not cruel. Life is not cruel.
6.
SOMETHING IN YOUR SMILE The Devil in me brings out the Goddess in you But something in your smile tells me you're broken too As calloused hands devour your soft skin, Is this how we learn to feel again? Fist through the wall, now she's crawling up it Blood to boil, it's all or nothing She stole the keys to my kingdom But I brought the pain Now I'll inflict it Something in your smile Is breaking down my walls Be careful that you don't Free what you can't take These urges that we hide Should never see the light Romantic soul, and a violent heart I bless the thorn in my side So take these roses And pray they don't grow So take these roses While I take my dose...
7.
Lust 03:30
LUST I saw your reflection first Tattoo on your left wrist Sleeves rolled up, hair let down Never saw your face Never saw your face So I never saw you frown Such strange tidal waves I fall madly in lust at least nine times a day. I saw your reflection first You were just fragments of light, rearranged in a way Can you feel the photons twist and warp? They're bending over backwards to caress your frame I never saw your face So I never saw you frown Such strange tidal waves//
8.
BREATHE NATURALLY I'm becoming scared to feel Just in case I fall Avoiding everything I love Avoiding it like the plague Lest it should take me under Everything that resonates with me Resonates to cacophony A harmonic that brings down the strongest of structures Drowning out all but the voice in my head Telling me it's not okay I had a dream last night Except I was wide awake I could feel my organs seethe and writhe Under my crawling skin... I'm losing control I'm trapped outside my bones Terrified and tortured, I can't sleep Six feet deep under my own bloodstream This deafening cacophony in my head Is trying to kill me Breathe naturally [DON'T FOCUS ON IT] Relax in your skin prison [DON'T FOCUS ON IT] "Do something" - with less than no energy [DON'T FOCUS ON IT] "Go write a song" - but don't think about it "It's all in your head" ...except it's transcended To my lungs, and myocardium Visceral misery. Exist against the grain to survive The positives are inharmonic.
9.
Marrow 03:11
MARROW Turn, and face the sun To forget the cold that turns you numb Observe, as it falls Falls beneath the horizon Every cure that you would give me Or I find for myself Is only so, for so long I'm the broken limb set to calcify But this sickness lies in the marrow Prescribe me my life back And watch me swallow the sun It's been so dark, for so long This ideation feels just like hope Burn in the sun Remembering when you felt you could love Prescribe me my life back And watch me swallow the sun It's been so dark, for so long This ideation feels just like hope Like hope, Like Hell. Cut me to the marrow. Home doesn't look like what they told me It's falling apart... I'm covered in blood... Save me.
10.
SHIMMER AND OXIDIZE Another one doesn't touch the sides Or if it did, I'm not sure that I'd feel it Cause I don't know if I can these days... Is this what it feels like to go sane? And I feel like both sides of the same coin All at once So cast me in your wishing well, and watch As your dreams don't unfold We both know why And I know that I shimmer in your eyes But deep inside, You should know by now That deep inside, I'm oxidizing, yeah... Another one sets my teeth to grind And I'm not even sure it's the dosage Another one... it's just to purify... Send me to heaven for 9 hours Oh god - I've forgotten myself Sold my soul to this vessel Can I buy it back in small capsules? To you, to me, I've become nothing but shrapnel So cast me in your wishing well, and watch As your dreams don't unfold We both know why And I know that I shimmer in your eyes But deep inside, You should know by now That deep inside, I'm oxidized So watch As your dreams fall apart And I know that you know There's no shimmer in my eyes It's just a mirage Look past the love And I know you'll know That deep inside, I'm oxidizing.
11.
AND I MAY LIVE TO REGRET THIS, TOO And I may live to regret this, too.

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released August 31, 2019

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blurrybynature Myrtleford, Australia

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